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Hasn't had an Irish coffee since U2 released their album on everyone's iPhone
Premiership: Wanderers will do I suppose
Grand Final and Winner: Western Sydney Wanderers v Melbourne Victory, Wanderers win
Wooden Spoon: Newcastle Jets
Golden Boot: Andy Keogh
Player of the Year: Matthew Spiranovic
One to Watch: Awer Mabil
Headline we will see: Johnny proves a real Steele for the Jets - or something equally unimaginative based on his surname
Headline we won't see: FFA decision met with universal fan support
Max Grieve
Sobs harder than a Greek mother at a funeral when his football socks come out of the washing machine pink
Premiership: Sydney FC
Grand Final and Winner: Melbourne City to defeat Brisbane Roar
Wooden Spoon: Wellington Phoenix
Golden Boot: Marc Janko
Player of the Year: Let's go for Robert Koren. Honestly, I've got no idea.
One to Watch: David Villa (sorry, but if you're not watching him like the Fox Sports Hero Cam then you're doing it wrong).
Headline we will see: Andy Harper overheats, explodes during commentary of Villa's first A-League goal.
Headline we won't see: Kevin Muscat looks in mirror; takes long, hard look at self.
Tom Moxey
Put his left foot in, shook it all about, then realised Ognenovski's schooner glass is no place for feet
Premiership: Adelaide United
Grand Final and Winner: Adelaide United v Brisbane Roar; Adelaide winner.
Wooden Spoon: Wellington Phoenix
Golden Boot: Tomi Juric (please stay injury free!)
Player of the Year: Marcelo Carrusca
One to Watch: Vitor Saba
Headline we will see: Arnold blames referee after 6-0 loss to Adelaide
Headline we won't see: Sydney FC are short of strikers for this weekends game...
Kyle Chandler
Binged 'Google' and exploded the internet all over his dad.
Premiership: Brisbane Roar
Grand Final and Winner: Melbourne Derby finishing in 4-4 draw (late equalisers in normal and extra time from either club). Victory to win 11-10 over City with Tando Velaphi's first career positive Victory contribution missing the decisive kick
Wooden Spoon: Central Coast Mariners to punch below their weight for once
Golden Boot: Worn by Archie Thompson the swag-hound but won eventually by Glory's Andy Keogh with 15
Player of the Year: Ruben Zadkovich after a member of his new coaching team informs him that the goals aren't 25 metres high and 20 wide
Headline we will see: Got Heart; Melbourne City win on road for first time since 1973
Headline we won't see: FFA congratulates Melbourne Victory active fans after demonstration-free season
Jessica Csaszar
Would wander aimlessly in circles if told that would make her more of a Western Sydney fan
Premiership: Western Sydney Wanderers
Grand Final and Winner: Western Sydney Wanderers
Wooden Spoon: Perth Glory
Golden Boot: Besart Berisha
Player of the Year: Robert Koren
One to Watch: Romeo Castelen
Headline we will see: Kevin Muscat takes on Besart Berisha
Headline we won't see: A Flare-Free Hyundai A-League Season
Brad Hutchings
Not another Mean Machine
Premiership: Melbourne Victory.
Grand Final and Winner: Victory v Roar. Victory win.
Wooden Spoon: Wellington
Golden Boot: David Villa
Player of the Year: Robert Koren
One to Watch: Dylan Murnane
Headline we will see: Despite limited games and limited interest, David Villa claims Golden Boot with a record tally.
Headline we won't see: ADP ‘Does a Hernandez’ and returns to the A-League after a brief spell in India.
Scott Condon
Would trade his children to see a Muscat-led Victory win any sort of silverware
Premiership: Victory
Grand Final and Winner: Victory beat Wanderers
Wooden Spoon: Wellington
Golden Boot: Besart Berisha
Player of the Year: Nathan Burns
One to Watch: Connor Pain
Headline we will see: Crowds up as football improves
Headline we won't see: Crowds up as food and beer remain at reasonable price.
Matt Marsden
Declared his undying love for David Villa, then discovered he was a vampire
Premiership: Western Sydney
Grand Final and Winner: Western Sydney vs Sydney, WSW winning 2-1 AET
Wooden Spoon: DAH NUX, BRU
Golden Boot: Besart Berisha
Player of the Year: Damien Duff
One to Watch: Bernie Ibini
Headline we will see: Berisha leads charge in Victory's 6-1 belting of Brisbane
Headline we won't see: Adrian Leijer displays competency
James Clark
Always wears a rubber when commentating alongside Andy Harper. Just in case.
Premiership: Melbourne Victory
GF & Winner: Victory v Syd FC (Winner Syd FC)
Wooden Spoon: Phoenix/Jets to fight it out
Golden Boot: Henrique (Value)
Player of the Year: Thomas Broich (German Engineering)
One to Watch: Chris Naumoff (Syd FC)
Headline we will see: "Wanderers to take on Real Madrid for Real"\
Headline we won't see: "Mifsud returns to Melbourne City and scores a brace"