This Week In Australian Football: opening weekend

In a world filled with false information, scare-mongering, sensationalism and innuendo comes one weekly news brief that cuts through it all and leaves only the truth and nothing but the truth.

It is...not this news brief. We will leave that to someone who cares.

In the meantime, this weekly bulletin will get on the aforementioned naughty media train and give you the news that you want to read.

This week in Australian Football...

In a landmark class action case put forward by the Australian football public, David Carney has been forced by the High Court of Australia to change his name by deed poll to David Carnage to reflect his defending style and as a warning to unsuspecting clubs looking to sign him as a defender.

It was reported that a Socceroos fan with 2011 Asian Cup Final scarf and replica shirt broke down weeping long overdue tears of relief as the ruling was handed down.

Panic at the final Melbourne City preseason meeting last night as the room was evacuated due to haunted sounds and the appearance of a ghost.

All was well in the camp when it was realised that Damien Duff had arrived late to training and had stubbed his toe on the meeting room door causing the eerie disturbance.

Ecuadorian Edson Montaño is desperately trying to engineer a move away from his newly-joined side Newcastle Jets.

"When I couldn't find Alan Shearer anywhere, I started to get worried I was at the wrong Newcastle United," a distraught Montaño said.

Experts are still trying to piece together how a contractual process, 24-hour flight and the giant 'Welcome to Australia' signs didn't alert him earlier.

Melbourne City's David Villa has made a splash on and off the field, filmed doing the Macarena vigorously at Melbourne's Retro Nightclub last Saturday night.

Villa had clearly been doing his homework on the history of his new club, as the Macarena was number one the last time City won a game away from home.

In other legal news, Melbourne Victory are finally to be held accountable for their choice of name. Any result other than their namesake will have them wound up as an entity.

"To keep this club alive we will do whatever we have to," Victory manager Kevin Muscat said.

In unrelated news, Adrian Zahra has retired from all forms of football effective immediately.


Join us next week when we find out which Socceroo is in tears because his ice-cream melted in the United Arab Emirates. May your news be good news while everyone else can please themselves.

Heard of any news that has slipped through the cracks? @kylechandler14 wants to hear about it.