PEDs to solve problem in A-League

As the biggest drugs scandal in Australian sport comes to a close, FFA chief executive officer David Gallop is looking into introducing performance-enhancing drugs to the A-League.

In conjunction with A-League referees boss Ben Wilson, the FFA is turning to PEDs to solve an issue that has plagued the competition since its inception - inconsistent and poor referee decisions.

During a press conference held in Kev's mum's back shed, which smelt suspiciously of ganja and cinnamon donuts, Gallop outlined the plan for the awaiting media.

"One of the major concerns Australian football supporters have is inconsistent officiating and we are looking into the use of substances to increase reflexes and rational thinking," Gallop said.

The combination of amphetamine sulphate (speed) and marijuana was proposed by the FFA boss.

"It is our belief that the effects of amphetamine sulphate would increase the attention to detail of A-League officials as well as allow a temporary increase in stamina.

"Less fatigue means a clearer mind to make the correct decisions."

In order to balance the positive and negatives of speed, Gallop suggested combating the effects with marijuana.

"Of course the officials may become irritable as a result so we want to make sure they feel as relaxed as possible," Gallop said.

"With increased reflexes, attention to detail and a more, like, chilled out approach, we believe that we will see a sharp increase in the quality of officiating and less fouls and cards."

It was at this time that Gallop paused the press conference to do 40 pushups and show everyone a video of a cat meowing along to the tune of Roar by Katy Perry, at which he laughed hysterically.

Wanting to assure the Australian public that the effects would last the entire 90 minutes, Gallop continued to unfurl his master plan.

"In order to keep the officials at peak performance, there will be five-minute stoppages after the 25th and 70th minutes, during which the refs will be supplied with both speed and marijuana, reclining lawn chairs and episodes of Adventure Time, all while Buffalo Soldier is lightly played over the stadium PA system."

The Football Sack contacted the Australian Sports Anti-Doping Authority for comment:

ASADA will be diligent in making sure there is no use of illegal supplements in any sport in this co- wait, did you say A-League refs? Oh. Well. No comment.

To ensure there are no short-term issues for referees, Gallop and Wilson are currently in the process of creating a care plan for the comedown.

"The details are scarce, but the plan is that the officials will be supplied with cold showers and a room filled with breakable furniture and cheap crockery at the conclusion of each match," Gallop said.

"In addition, the officials' parents will be on site and 20 to 30 minutes of affectionate hugging and hair stroking will be supplied."

Gallop also believes that the introduction of the substances could help give wanted exposure to the competition.

"It's been two years since Essendon started handing out drugs and nobody has shut the fuck up about it ever since."

Gallop is currently receiving tenders from potential official suppliers in Cranbourne. The proposal will then be presented to the FFA board after Easter, when it is expected that the idea will be overwhelmingly rejected and Gallop will be issued with a 'please explain'.