My football violence confession

There is nothing in this world which can match the weight of guilt upon your conscience, and it is with this at the forefront of my mind that I write this confession.

On the 17th of May 2015, I, Thomas Bell, willingly and knowingly crossed Swan Street in Richmond some distance from the nearest set of traffic lights on my way to the A-League Grand Final.

This sokkah hooligan is regretful of his antisocial behaviour.

I address this confession particularly to those in the Melbourne media who risk their livelihoods to protect our way of life from people like me, and for that we are truly grateful.

I have spent the last 24 hours searching deep inside my very being in search of the answers as to why, on such a bright, joyous day, I would attack the very essence of our society in such a brash and hateful manner.

My conclusion, is that through over-exposure to the A-League and sokkah in general, I have been swayed like Judas towards betraying my country and our national way of life. For this, I extend my deepest apologies. 

However, now that I have seen the true cost of my actions, I am determined to initiate change. It is to this end that I have voluntarily placed myself in 'The Ron Barassi Education Center for Recovering Soccer Thugs and Lost New South Welshmen'.

I am confident that the center's tried and tested program of shouting “BALL!” at various intervals will undo seven years of A-League support and the brain deterioration that accompanies it.

I end this confession by reminding you that if you ever feel enjoyment from a round ball-based sport then there is help available. You are not alone in your fight and I will offer my support to anyone in need.

Remember, you can put your days of standing on the right-hand side of elevators, jaywalking and forgetting to tip bartenders behind you. I hope you are able to for the sake of this great Australian society.

Thank you.