Australia v Nigeria: 4 things we learnt

After being unfairly sacked by FFA for writing this piece of journalistic excellence, we offered poor old “Stiff Righter” a second chance to right his wrongs and prove his worth as an expert on women’s football. Here’s his first article for The Football Sack.

We've given the FFA's Stiff Righter a second chance

1: The Matildas, well, they just aren’t that good

A team that plays with the bog standard raison d’etre of simply scoring more goals than the opposition are living in the 1800s. The Matildas style of football is outdated and just dire to watch.

Who wants to see speedy, overlapping full-backs, crisp passing and shots at goal? Throughout the ninety minutes against Nigeria there were no overhead kicks and not one Matilda even tried a ‘rabona’ for Christ’s sake.

I mean what sort of second rate nonsense is stringing together a couple of passes and scoring?

‘Get the ball in the danger area and score goals’ seems the default game plan of a team stuck in the past. World football has moved on and if there are not a hundred pointless step-overs in the lead up to a goal then it’s not worth the price of admission.

Jog on Australia.

2: Australia’s shorts are too baggy to be considered a world-class team

They may have the players to go far into the tournament but there is no chance of the Matildas winning the cup. Why? Well their shorts are way too baggy.

Sepp Blatter, the doyen of the World Game who never had a bad idea ever, said back in 2004 (that’s over a decade ago Australia!) that women footballers “could, for example, have tighter shorts. Female players are pretty, if you excuse me for saying so, and they already have some different rules to men - such as playing with a lighter ball. That decision was taken to create a more female aesthetic, so why not do it in fashion?”

If they can’t even get that right eleven years later what chance of actually winning a World Cup? Do the easy things first.

3: Caitlin Foord is more super-human than ever

The dynamo from the ‘Gong can do no wrong. That should be on a greeting card or something. Nice alliteration. Against the USA she was superb, against Nigeria she took it to another level.

Short of wearing her pants outside of her shorts she couldn’t have been more super-human. Well, maybe the addition of a cape and some sort of emblem on the front of the gold jersey would help and a twenty-part TV Series on Netflix. Anyone got Netflix? Daredevil is awesome.

Anyway, that might make her team-mates jealous and that wouldn’t be good for camp morale. That’s camp as in the training camp not camp as in the South African ‘fenced field or enclosed area for grazing.’ So maybe next game Caitlin, be less super-human?

4: Lisa De Vanna is out of her depth

It’s abundantly clear to all Women’s football experts, and I include myself amongst that number having watched one Matildas match ever (the game versus USA), that striker Lisa De Vanna is out of her depth at international level.

Yes, she may have 100 caps for her country, and scored numerous goals but at 1.56m she would, literally, be out of her depth in the deep end of any standard size swimming pool which, given the monsoon conditions witnessed in some matches at this tournament, is a worry.

Come to think of it there are a number of Matildas in this boat which leaves me to believe that Alen Stajcic needs to pick taller players. Maybe someone like basketball superstar Lauren Jackson for example.

At 1.96m she wouldn’t be out of her depth. Don’t know whether she can play football but with the likelihood of having to face the USA later in the competition if the Matildas are to win it, then that won’t matter because ‘well, they just aren’t that good’ are they?